I’m on vacation and retreat this week so leave you with this quote, a favorite of mine and related to last week’s post:
“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret;
it is only with the heart that one can see rightly,
what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupery in The Little Prince
On a walk by the river, a friend and I stopped to watch a pair of mallards. My friend looked down and saw some small fish. It was very hard for me to see what she was seeing. Finally I did. They were well camouflaged against the mud and rocks. She ended up seeing 7 including babies and I saw at most 3 at one time.
What created that situation in which I could not see what she saw? Visual acuity may have been part of it, perhaps experience, and ability to differentiate the object from the background.
Our assumptions about what is customary and what is possible affect what we notice about abstract truths and ideas as well. Our skill at this as well as differentiating one item from another can be developed with willingness and practice.
Our assumptions also affect how we interpret what we see which in turn influences our perspective. How we feel and what we expect is dependent on our perspective.
Part of healing or growing emotionally is to understand what your perspective is and what influences it. Are you aware of what your assumptions are and how they affect what you see? Can you see what others see? Are you willing to share your views?
Completing this series will be some ideas on how to help yourself process and deal with especially painful losses.
First of all, noticing what the person or thing meant to you helps you appreciate your attachment and it’s importance to you. Compassion and understanding for yourself is very important for healing.
Second, identify what you are feeling and what you need. Sometimes you might need time alone and sometimes you might need to be with others. You might need to talk about your loss or you might need to talk about other things. You might need to journal with attention to your feelings and inner process, or you might need to do something totally different.
Third, with awareness of your loss and its meaning to you, seek out and notice other ways that need is met even though not in the same way as the lost person or object.
Fourth, pace yourself. Your central nervous system is designed to have ebbs and flows. It is perfectly normal to have moments that are more intense and those that are less so, times when you are right in it and times when you are detached. Allow yourself this rhythm. Your body is helping you recover and adjust to your loss.
If you have trouble getting through this process, consider asking for help. Often a loss opens up all the other losses we’ve had in our lives. Thus, we aren’t just recovering from this grief but are confronted with making sense of a whole host of them.
Call me. I’m happy to talk to you, to explore your issues and process, and to work through the barriers to your full healing and recovery.
I said I’d talk about how to recover from loss this week, but I just can’t let this other important area go unmentioned. Tune in next week for how to help yourself with loss.
Material things are fundamental to our quality of life and to a certain extent to our survival. Certainly people can exist with very few material things, but it isn’t easy physically or emotionally.
Distress over the loss of a material thing is related to . . .
. . . its meaning to us. Does it have sentimental value? Does it reflect something important about who we are? Did someone important to us give it to us?
. . . how much it cost. The more expensive it is the more we put into acquiring it and the more difficult it is to replace. However, special finds that are good deals can also make something important to us.
. . . how we acquired it. Was it hard to find or a dime a dozen? Was it given to us by a close friend or by someone who was fulfilling a duty?
. . . how much we use it. Is it a regular part of our life? Or has it been in a closet for years and we’ve forgotten we even have it?
These are some of the factors that effect how we respond to the loss of a material object. As you might have noticed, these factors interact with each other and overlap. Essentially, the material thing’s meaning to us based on these factors is what makes the loss difficult or not.
The more I think about this, the more ways I notice things that are important to us and so that affect us if they are lost.
Just as we need attachments to live, we also need to find purpose and meaning in our lives. This is developed through the roles we have. These can be relational roles (mother, son, friend) or operational roles (jobs, leadership positions, volunteer work, and so on).
Loss of the roles we have can cause self-doubt and soul searching. Who am I? Am I important anymore? Do I matter to others? What is my purpose?
Loss of roles affects us based on how much they reflect who we are as people, how long we have had them, how we have grown in them, the relationships we have developed through them, and how much we identify ourselves with them.
Understanding why losses affect us helps us have more compassion for ourselve as we cope with them. It can inform how we take care of ourselves and identify what we need.
